Life is Never What You Planned

11:37pm: Nothing like the crumbling apart feeling to send you straight back to square one.

7:03pm: Things I want to do when the school year ends:
1. Cry. Just fucking bawl instead of having to let it out in little fits and starts or hold it in.
2. Start an exercise program. I've done a good job of maintaining a low weight this year, but I think it would be good to push myself to convert some of this fat into muscle.
3. Sleep past 7 a.m., because that's when I wake up even on my days off.
4. Go to a baseball game with my dad. Watch baseball games with my dad. Get to sit and talk with my dad.
5. Talk to someone about how scared I am of losing my dad.
6. Get on a train and not have to get off for days. Not be around people I know. Not have to put on an act for anyone or give anything to anyone. Sit and cry or read or listen to music or watch the world go by and just be a person in a space of my own without being responsible for piloting said space or having to figure out when I can stop and when I have to keep going. Having time. Seeing something different without having to do anything to make the change happen. Sitting still. Being in a different place. A safe traveling capsule for a depressed person who doesn't always have the oomph.
7. Get off that train in a place where one of the people I trust lives. Where someone will take care of me. Where I'll feel loved and unjudged and happy and where I won't be constantly worried about what I'm supposed to be providing for the other person (because I don't have a lot to give and I don't know what it is I'm supposed to give or I don't have any willingness to give it). Where I get to not be stressed and self-conscious. (An upper-story balcony looking out at trees. The way that felt two years ago.) Where there's the opportunity to be held. Where there's the opportunity to talk about the things I need to talk about. Where I'll be overwhelmed by the goodness. Where I can walk around and see new things and breathe deeply and feel at peace.

11:05pm:
( 100 things that make me happy )

9:08pm: Seven random things, then goodnight!
1. My sister came to visit this weekend and it was so nice to have her here. I love it when it's just the four of us making each other laugh.

2. I want there to be baseball games now. I like feeling like I know something about a sport, and I want to go back to having something to follow that can distract me.

3. My parents are going to New York next week for a week of Broadway shows. After that they go to Scottsdale for Giants spring training. If I weren't so very happy for them, I would just be overwhelmed with jealousy.

4. Teaching overall is not so much with the joy these days. But the students are much more pleasant one-on-one, and I hold out hope that in the right setting, with the chance to set the tone from day one, I might not completely suck at it. (Right now I completely suck at it. But I think I'm not letting that mess me up too much.)

5. It's really weird having this much work to do (and to know it's still not what a full load will look like).

6. I keep missing folks from college. I keep wondering about how other people's college experiences managed to be so different from mine.

7. I wish I had the kind of personality where I could just grab people and demand platonic cuddlefests. (Or non-platonic, but that's a different issue.) By the end of this week, I'm going to be very much in need of curling up on a couch with someone and watching a movie, and I get sad knowing that I'll be doing that alone. So it goes, though, right?